Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Heartbroken again...

Never knew I would be back here again.
It's 2012, and it's the most painful heartbreak I've ever had...
So bout this girl, we first met last year.
7th September 2011.
It was an afternoon in the new university I'm attending.
I saw her at the slope in front of our dormitories.
She was with her family. How pretty she was, I thought.
But I knew she's out of my league. So I didn't bother.

All the guys were talking about the girls during the orientation.
As expected, they did not fail to mention about her.
Seems like there would be a lot of competition.
But a heartbroken guy like me, who had discarded the path of love wasn't bothered much.
For I don't want to be hurt again.

We didn't get to talk at the orientation, nor did I seek her out.
But she did said her first words to me back then.
It was in the back seat of a bus.
I had a red ant on my back, she was sitting near me.
"There's a red ant on your back," she said.

I'll never forget those first words.
For she's now forever a part in my heart.
A knife inside, that will hurt as long as I am still alive.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

XII.Final Chapter: Strangers That Know Each Other Best

The start of a new term approaches.
We were sure that both of us will remain in our original class.
This means that we will be able to spend 1 whole year together in a same class.
It would be definitely good to get closer to her, and so I thought.

I recall one night,
we were chatting on SMS.
Talking about how we will work hard together next year.
How we will try and encourage and help each other to improve.
I was also affected by her determination and diligence,
I told myself, it will be a 1 year long battle alongside her.
I shouldn't shake her feelings more and be a distraction.
Thus, I told myself that I should be patient,
I was sure when the exams are over, we would be a lot more closer by then.
And when all is over, it would be appropriate by then,
to reveal my true feelings to her.

But this is neither a love story nor a fairy tale,
there isn't always happily ever after in the end.
Before the new school term even started,
I received news that she was starting to officially go out with him.
And news about their recent date was spreading around.

Dumbstruck, I did not know what to do.
Asking around my friends for answers,
They all confirmed the news were true.

I was about to lose the girl that I love.
I had no choice.
Abandoning all the thoughts and hopes I had,
Abandoning the fact that once I said this,
I would not be able to face her as a normal friend anymore.
I sent her words deep from my heart and a confession.
Clinging on a tiny strand of hope,
that perhaps she will reconsider and turn back.

I checked my phone every minute,
no new messages.
every hour,
still there were no new messages.
every day....
but still there were nothing from her.
Did she receive what I sent?
I do not know.
but if she did,
then obviously I'm really meaningless to her.

School reopened and our upper sixth life started.
We were like strangers in the class.
I tried to avoid looking at her in the eyes.
But deep down, my heart was in pain,
painfully waiting for an answer.

There were mornings where I saw both of them walking together at the car park,
There were times I saw both of them having lunch together.
In her eyes, I was invisible.
Isn't it obvious already?
Why am I still waiting for an answer?

After 3 months worth of waiting.
It all fell apart.
I was checking her blog and facebook every day.
And it all started like this.
Since she seldom goes online to her facebook,
so it is obviously rare for her to update her page,
and it would be really important for her to even bother making a change to her page.
That day, I noticed a change in the "Friends" corner at her facebook profile.
Well, I was there, but seems like my name disappeared from her "Featured Friend"
(You can choose some special friends tho show up at your profile's friend list)
I refreshed the page a few times.
No, I'm no longer there.
I know this is something minor and insignificant to you,
but it was significant for her to remove me!
So I really care and obviously I was hurt.

Thinking about how she made me wait for so long and this is what I got,
I started to bring myself to hate her.There was no longer anything more to say.
"Fine, if that's what you want."
I told myself. And thus:

The next day, there was a update at her blog.
Complaining about me.
How I was foolish to want to date her without even sharing her ups and downs of life.
How I never understood her.
How she was disappointed that we cannot remain as friends.
After reading what she wrote,
I replied at her chatbox.
Perhaps she did not want people to know what I wrote.
The next day, her post and the contents of the chatbox were all deleted.
I recall I wrote this,
It means, "It is not that I don't want to share your ups and downs in life,
You were already somewhere good enjoying yourself with someone else."

We never talked or chat since.
I deleted her number from my phone.
I'm not sure if she deleted mine, but there wasn't a single message from her since my confession.
Well, there's one message on March though.
But it cost me a car accident to get that single message from her.

The following are unspoken words that I wish to say to her,
perhaps someday she'll be able to see it?

"I'm sorry it had to end like this.
I'm sorry we could no longer be friends.
I'm sorry I had to force myself to hate you.
I'm sorry because if I don't, I couldn't bring myself to stop loving you.
I'm sorry if what I wrote disgusts you,
But if they do,
Build up your hatred towards me,
Detest me until you don't wish to see me,
Or else,
I won't be able to give you up...
Even if we can no longer be friends,
I'm sure we are strangers that know each other best.


Monday, April 19, 2010

XI. Ruined Outings

The gap between us remained throughout the months,
Perhaps it even worsened, I don’t know.
But what I know is,
Although there were a lot of times where I got a chance to go out with her,
I never got a chance to enjoy her company.
For some reason, SOMEONE always had to appear and tag along.
There has NEVER been one outing with her without HIM.
Was it a coincidence? I doubt it.
I’ll quote a few examples below.
One example was my birthday in 2009,
At first, SHE told me that SHE couldn’t attend.
And asked me to enjoy myself with the others.
OK, big deal. Disappointed, but the party went on.
We were in K-BOX again.
Halfway through the party, SHE came into the room.
Whoa, I was surprised but glad. Hold on… someone’s coming from behind….
Its HIM…. The smile on my face changed into a fake smile.
What’s more, SHE didn’t seem to enjoy herself and looked bored to me.
I picked a song that SHE once said SHE liked very much and sang.
Hoping that it will bring her mood up.
But what pisses me off the most is…
HE took the remote and pressed NEXT halfway through the song…..
I wonder if it was on purpose….
Then, SHE took a nap in there.
After staying about an hour, SHE left hurriedly with HIM.
I wonder where they went. Sucks.

The second example, it was a gathering at my house,
L6B2 BBQ event. Mind you, its L6B2.
But I wonder why SOMEONE who went to B1 would come and join.
Well, since HE asked, it would be rude of me to reject right?
But what’s weird is, HE already attended his own class’ (L6B1) BBQ gathering about a week ago.
And now HE wants to attend ours? There are 2 possibilities,
HE must be either a BBQ freak…
Or HE wants to keep both eyes on me during our class gathering.

The third example, the one that irritates me the most.
Well, I asked HER out to go mountain hiking.
She said she will ask some CLASSMATES to join.
I was looking forward to it.
Thinking perhaps it would be a good chance to spend some time with HER.
We promised to meet at 3pm.
But I don’t know why. One of my classmates sent me a text,
Saying that she’ll be late,
She said that she told HER to come meet me first so that I won’t be so bored.
For your information, SHE lives very near to that mountain,
It would only take bout 5 minutes to walk from HER home to here.
But I was a dumbass, I was standing by the road,
Looking at the rainclouds, looking at the passer-bys,
Looking at the monkeys, playing with the mimosa plants.
And after 1 stinking hour of EFFING boredom.
I saw HER and HIM coming in a car. Slowly, taking their own sweet time.
Whoa, so that’s why it took so long huh? Good job.

Last but not least, we came to the last example.
It was a Christmas gift exchange gathering.
HE wasn’t invited, but HE still showed up halfway through the party.
Saying Hi to all of us, as if it was fate that we were able to meet here on this Holy night.
There are so many dining spots in town,
And HE showed up here too? Coincidence? I really doubt it after so many occasions.
Anyway, the moment HE came, SHE left our table and went out of our dining room.
And SHE only came back a while to exchange the gifts, then SHE went out again.
To HER, it was not a Christmas gathering with HER classmates,
As she spent 90% of HER time that night with someone else.

Its USELESS even if I got a chance to have an outing with HER,
SOMEONE always show up and even though SHE’s right in front of me,
HER heart were always so far away with SOMEONE else.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

X. An Indirect Confession

With a heavy heart, school life continues.
Nobody knew that deep inside, I was hurt.
I couldn't bring myself to smile in class.
At times,
I would put on a fake smile when the teachers tell a joke.
I wouldn't talk to anyone, not after what they did to me.
Seeing her back right in front of me,
thinking that she belongs to someone else,
my mood was gloomy at school every day.
She was so near to me,
yet the distance between our hearts were so far apart.
Nobody understood my feelings.
As the laughter in the class continues,
As the class celebrate a new found pair of lovebirds,
As they talk aloud about them as if I couldn't hear,
Nobody knew that at the seat behind,
someone was bleeding.

It took her some time,
but she eventually noticed the change in me.
It was an afternoon on Facebook,
she sent me a message,
asking if there's anything wrong with me lately.

I didn't say a word, i simply gave her a link.
After viewing, she understood.
And I told her about how jealous I was.
About how sad I was when I saw the comments written by my friends.

She felt awkward.
She said she did not know what to say.
She told me to ignore the comments.
And assured me that she was only normal friends with him.
Asking me to cheer up, she also hoped that I will return to my usual joker self.

Was she merely saying this to comfort me?
Was she lying to me?
I did not know.
I tried to do what she wants.
Having faith in her,
I tried hard to forget about the incident.
Although I was slowly returning to my old self,
I noticed things didn't feel the same in class anymore,
like I was left alone by everyone now,
and I do not know who to trust anymore.
I felt like our distance have became further since then.
As if she was starting to avoid me.

In the end, I failed to return to my old self.
I was a joker in the class, according to her.
But to tell the truth,
I have now lost my purpose to do so.

Dear XXX,
I was only a joker in the class,
because I was happy to be able to see a smile on your face for me.
But now,
its saddening and heartbreaking.
Because when I see you smile and know that it is not for me,
that is when I miss you the most.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

IX. I Got A Feeling, That Tonight's Gonna Be A Lonely Night

Time flies to around October...
With our graduation night approaching, we were busy practicing for our performance.
Thanks to the director, I got a chance to be in a duet with her.
I'm a happy man inside, but I really get unnatural or nervous with her beside me.
Well, maybe she's frustrated somehow.
But I recall a happy memory back then. She grabbed my arm and said,
"Come! Look in front, don't be shy la."
>_< wheeee....

My friends keep on asking me to hold her hand in the performance,
I know its a good idea for the show, and I would be the biggest idiot in the world waste this chance, but I really couldn't do it.
My palms are always sweaty... Damn, I really don't think holding hands with her will be a good idea. Sighs. (To the director, I hope now u understand why I keep on refusing to do so.)

Perhaps I was a fool to be happy over these trivial things,
says the inner me.
Yeah, perhaps its true.
Because in my memories, those days I spent with her were now nothing but a fleeting dream. Perhaps a dream that I will never want to wake up from.

We practiced hard and finally the day of the show came.
She was one of the emcee for the graduation night.
(And she was so so so pretty >.<)
Our show went quite well although she made some small mistakes,
our performance managed to win the third place.

But she was busy that night.
I don't think she noticed me after the performance at all.
She was taking photos non-stop, one person after another.
I didn't have a chance to have a photo with her. Totally ignored.
I ordered some roses to be delivered to her that night.
But she never received it. I wonder why.

Seeing couples lovey-dovey taking photos and cuddling each other,
my emo-ness raised to the max.
I went home early that night, couldn't bear to stay any longer.
I felt like I don't belong, as if everyone were high class after putting on make up and dressed up that night,
I felt like someone like me do not belong among these cool people and so I was ignored.

That was my first time attending such an event, and I think it would be my last too.

The next day, after I woke up, I checked last night's photos at facebook.

view on facebook here

Staring at this photo. I heard something cracking somewhere near my chest.
I tried to ignore it, and I read the comments below,
every comment was like a knife stabbing into my heart.
Even my close friends, those that once told me to be brave, those that once cheered me on,
they were now in the "like this photo" list,
they were now congratulating him,
they were now celebrating this newborn couple.
After getting my heart minced over and over,
I pulled out the plug of my computer and went back to my room,
locking the door behind me as I enter.

Sorrow, betrayal, loneliness. That's all I have in my mind.

And you won't want to know what I was doing on my bed.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

VIII. Fool on a Trip

Having being told something like that, I decided that it would be best to keep a low profile and not to get too close, I was afraid of losing a friend. Yes, we were good friends back then.

After about a month in my class, HE was invited to join a better class. At first, he seemed uncertain whether to go or not, as it would mean being in separate classes with the girl he loves.

Even though he was my rival in love, I asked him to stay. Because it was fun being in the same class with him. But in the end, he chose to go to L6B1, a class for students with higher standards. Leaving her behind.

Perhaps he thought they will meet together in U6B1 next year? Back then, her results weren't that good. She was really hardworking, but maybe form 6 is just too hard for us. I decided that I want to be with the same class with her next year, I want to work hard by her side during my upper six year.

Or perhaps, I need her company during my long upper six year.

So, I didn't put much effort into my studies. Thinking that I have to maintain my ranking near to her so that we'll be sorted into same classes next year. Having that excuse in mind, I took all my revision for granted,and yea, I got the worst marks I have in my life. I was a fool to do so.

Well, soon, the holidays came, we had a class trip to Cameron Highlands. There were some nice memories there. But now I just wanna forget them all. For instance, my classmates asked me to have a photo shoot with her. Gah, and she played along, I was happy and shy at the same time, there's a ridiculous expression on my face in the photo. Yea, I know its no big deal, its just a photo shoot, but it was good enough for a failure in love like me. *sigh* (i even got my friend to send the photo to me secretly later >.<) The next morning, I decided to do something for her, as my gratitude for making me happy. (and a sleepless night) I know she likes Vitagen, green apple flavour. When my friends were having breakfast, I broke off and went to a convenience store and bought 2 bars of the juice. I swear stuff are expensive at Cameron, I was near broke so I headed back to the bus and wait. I skipped lunch and breakfast that day. I didn't personally give those juices to her in the bus though, I didn't want to cause too much attention, and I was shy, as always. And the trip ended without anything special after that.

Some time later, L6B1 had their class trip too. After they came back, I checked their trip photos on facebook. And I was shocked to discover that rumours are now going on between HIM and another girl. And he didn't say anything to deny it.

I thought perhaps he found a new crush in his new class?
Perhaps now I can make a move without hurting anyone?
Perhaps now she would give me a chance?

Sunday, March 28, 2010

VII. A Friendly Warning?

Well, things always tend to get complicated. There was this other guy in my class, who likes to flirt about her. Always saying that she is his "darling" and blah blah blah. I don't deny that I wasn't irritated when I hear about these stuff. But I pretended not to hear about it when he says these things, since he is still my friend, and it is well known that he also says stuff like this to his previous girls. So, we all just tend to take them as jokes.

But rumours, rumours were brewing about. I've started hearing about how he has confessed to her, and how he had been rejected because she wants to concentrate in her studies. Because those were rumours, I didn't really care about them. My feelings for her won't be shaken off just like that. But if she really wants to concentrate in her studies, I guess I should remain my love as a secret after all.

Maybe I was obvious? My secret was soon found out by my friends. I tried to deny it at first, but one of them was persistent, and I know he's probably grinning while reading this now. In the end, I admitted. And they started playing pranks about me and her. And obviously, now HE also knows that I love her too now.

He started acting like a double faced person since then. Putting on a fake smile, he occasionally half jokingly says to me:
"Why you want to snatch my darling?"

There was once, I got so irritated when he messaged me at MSN, suddenly asking me if I want to see photos, he was sending a photo of him and her at a gathering, then simply canceled the sending, as if he just wanted to show off to me about his darling.

A screenshot to illustrate the situation.

I've ignored him all the time when he said such stuff, until one day, he told me and my friends in a serious manner. Warning me that she already has a boyfriend, and saying that I would be hurt if I love her.

Was he telling the truth? Should I trust a rival in love? Perhaps she rejected him because she was indeed dating someone else? Then perhaps what he said is really a friendly warning?

What should I do?

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

VI. L6B2

About six long months passed. And it was time for me to be a form 6 students myself. Thinking about how someone promised that we would attend form 6 together as couples, I couldn't help but feel bitter now that I am attending it alone.

Form 6, first time having girls as my classmates, is it a chance for me to get a true love? Or is it another chance to risk breaking my heart again? I did not know.

During the newcomers orientation, we were sorted into groups. And that was when I first met this girl, N.

I did not have much "reaction" about her back then. After all, we just met, just like two strangers among the crowd. And I was still a hurt bird, dare not to return to the skies.

Perhaps it was fate or luck? We ended in the same class, L6B2. And where did she sit? Right in front on me. So I had been looking at her back for days and weeks. Catching the mild fragrance of her long straight hair when she turns her head. Blushing when she turns her head back and barely able to talk to her. And who knows since when, my feelings gradually built up. Damn, did I fell in love again?

Monday, March 15, 2010

V. A Fool Who Tried To Reach The Sun

With the box in my arms and the courage in my heart,
I climbed up the stairs slowly.
As I entered the classroom, I feel as if eyes were scanning me.
I was holding a big fancy coloured box after all.

I laid the box beside my seat on the stools,
It occupied 2 seats, hidden temporarily under the tables.
I planned to give it to her during the class break.

I wasn't paying attention throughout the class though.
Every minute was like decades, I was restless, and nervous.
What should I say to her? Would she be angry if I give it to her amongst so many people? Would she reject the gift?

The long awaited break finally came, and when everybody was getting up to go downstairs,
My friends gave me a push, "Go." They said.
Taking up the box from the seats,
I felt like everybody was looking. (maybe they weren't)
My face was so hot, and my heart was racing.
Trying hard not to pay attention to the surroundings, I wished her,
and told her that this is her birthday present from me.

She looked somewhat surprised or shocked,
but she said thanks and accepted it awkwardly.
I was somewhat relieved, but my face was still very very hot.

She held the oversized box, struggling to find a place to put it.
(she looked very cute back then by the way)
The seats of her table were fully occupied. So she didn't have a place to put it after the break.
Awkwardly, I offered to take back the box to my seat and give it back to her when the class ends.
So she handed it back to me again. Swtness... Gahhhhh....
That was so embarrassing and weird.

Well, she took the box home after the class.
The teacher and some girls teased her, I hope she won't mind about that.
I feel sorry if I have caused her trouble that day.

She gave me a call that night.
It was the first time we had an conversation on the phone.
The mood was somewhat awkward.
She didn't say much.
She expressed her thanks,
I tried to talk more with her on the phone,
but she hung up when I tried to utter a word.
Maybe she didn't hear me?
Or maybe she's evading me.
I think its the latter.

Perhaps I should be happy that night,
but I couldn't stop thinking,
perhaps what I did was a bother to her.
And she's hinting that I should stop.
My mood was bitter that night.

I received an invitation to her birthday party the next day.
Feeling weird to go empty handed, I bought her another gift.
This one is cheap though since I was broke.
Its just a metal ruler, it was wrapped nicely though.
I saw her using a broken ruler stuck together with cellophane tape.
I thought perhaps she needed a new one.

And so,
We sang the birthday song,
ate the cakes,
took photos with the birthday girl,
and the party ended.
I didn't get to talk to her much,
mainly because I feel weird after what I did the other day,
and I'm afraid that I am a bother to her.

Soon, December came. And my birthday arrived.
I was asked out to have a celebration by my buddy,
it was the first time I went out with friends during my birthday.
When I met him, he said he prepared a surprise for me.
He actually successfully asked her out to celebrate my birthday with me.

He told me that she agreed to come if we had another girl with us,
She said it would be hard for her if she's going out with just 2 boys.
But that other girl my friend invited didn't show up. ( put aeroplane )
And now it seemed like we were liars.

As for me, I wasn't expecting my dream girl to show up during my birthday party.
I thought I will be spending the day with my all-boy buddies.
I wore shorts and slippers, totally unkempt and messy. Damn.

After some waiting, she arrived with her cousin.
(Her cousin isn't joining us, she came for other plans i think)
When I saw her,
I really wanted to hide myself.
She was prettier than usual.
Damn. Look at me.
Would she be angry now that it would be 2 boys and 1 girl?
My friend did the explaining, she said it was ok though,
she dragged her cousin to join us.
Her cousin seemed reluctant, but joined us in the end after much persuasion.

We sat down and discussed what to do for the day after that,
we decided to go to K-Box in the end,
It was my first time going to a Karaoke box.
She sat with her cousin at a corner,
the mood was weird again, she wasn't singing much and I was afraid that she's bored.
So I took the mike and sang loudly and crazily of love songs and such,
hoping to bring the mood up.
For your information, my singing sucks,
There wasn't much of a smile on her face,
and I was so hurt when I heard her cousin saying through the mike to her,
"Really bored leh...."

I couldn't help but think,
"Perhaps she's just doing this to repay a debt and I shouldn't get my hopes high."

Around 5pm, my curfew came, and I gotta go.
With a heavy and broken heart. I left the K-room.
I hope she would enjoy herself with me gone.
I know she wasn't enjoying herself throughout the party.

When I got home, they called my phone and sang me a birthday song,
amongst the chorus, I could hear her voice vividly,
She wished me happy birthday. And they asked me to say something back through the phone. I didn't said much back and hung up.
My voice was muffled and my sight was blurry.

"Its all over I guess, your debt is clear and you won't have to force yourself to do all these anymore."

I couldn't say I was happy that day.
I felt that everything was just a fleeting illusion.
Now that we don't owe each other anything anymore,
I wish you happiness and not to force yourself to do what you don't want to do.

She also gave me a gift that day.
Its a blue glassware of 3 dolphins.

Perhaps it means dolphin papa. dolphin mama and dolphin junior?
Damn I'm thinking too much.

That was the last time we went out.
We didn't contact much since then.
Occasionally I do receive one or two messages from her.
I wonder if she have a boyfriend now.
Nothing can be done,
it is destined that we can only be friends.

I guess I was a fool trying to reach the sun.
In the end, my wings got burned and I fell back down.
Once again, to the dark pits of loneliness.

Thanks for reading...

Friday, March 12, 2010

IV. Teddy Bear?

I got her phone number from the tuition register passed around the class. I know, I admit I'm a coward, there's no way I have the courage to get her number head on.

Well, it wasn't too bad though. I'm not sure whether she's angry with me copying her number. I had some chances chat with her sometimes, but I guess I do bore her most of the time.

Sometimes, I kinda bump to her when I'm hanging out with my friends. She usually hangs out with some St. Michael guys. Usually we'll just pass by each other without saying a word. Just like strangers.

Months passed, and her birthday was approaching. I asked her what did she like, she said she like teddy bears. And I wanted to give her that, and if I want to do it, I'll do it in a crazy way. Maybe she was driving me crazy, or perhaps I really was crazily in love with her...

I remember it was a Tuesday. I took out my savings and went to school. Right after school, I went to Parkson with my best pal, he has alot of experience on buying gifts for girls, perhaps he may come in handy. Heh Heh. And he did, I'm glad he came along really.

The moment we entered the shop, we headed straight to the soft toy racks. Damn alot bears to choose from, some are really nice but I just couldn't afford. After much picking and staring from girls shopping in the shop (i guess we did look like teddy bear nerds, we spent a long time choosing) I chose a yellow one. Its has around a height of 80cm and I was having a headache on how to give it to her.

I planned to give it to her during tuition that night. Gotta wrap it up I guess. It would be disastrous if I went to my tuition holding a teddy bear. We went to the counter and requested it to be wrapped in the box. And the cashier said, "Ok go pick a box, see which you want. A box is RM26, then need 3 ribbon to wrap, need RM21 for the ribbons."

I was like... WTF.... the wrapping alone costs me RM47? I didn't count the wrapping cost into the budget. Damn. Embarrassed, I told the cashier, "Erm, I not enough money leh, I buy next time?"

Luckily really, my pal took out RM50 and gave it to me. Damn, I swear that was the coolest thing he ever did in front of me. (He was shining^^) Really want to thank him here. So its settled, I went on and chose a gift box in happy footsteps. After the wrapping, we headed straight back to school as it was late.

One more problem, my mum would kill me if she knows I'm buying something for girls. Her usual nagging "DON'T BUY THINGS FOR GIRLS WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN WORK, THE MONEY YOU HAVE IS NOT YOUR MONEY, IT IS MONEY FROM YOUR PARENTS"

And hiding a teddy bear of this size from her? Not a chance. And you won't want to know what will happen if she saw the bear.

Thanks to my pal again, he kept it for me and brought it to tuition for me that night. I guess I really wouldn't accomplish anything without him. Holding the box in my arms, I took my first step up the staircase to my tuition. In my mind, I was thinking,

"I hope she accepts it, cause I really don't know what to do if she rejects the gift."

Thursday, March 11, 2010

watch this if you're free....

a very touching episode of an anime series i follow...

Thursday, March 4, 2010

III. The Toad Who Met The Swan

The days after breaking up wasn't easy. I was not used to my phone being so quiet. Whenever there's a new message, I would check it immediately. But they were usually irritating advertisements sent by DiGi. These messages never fail to irritate me, even now.

Months passed. I was slowly letting go of my memories and pain. Eventually I found another girl in my physics tuition. I'll refer her name as L here.

She was really beautiful, girls like her would have trucks of boys waiting to date her. I knew from the start a guy like me wouldn't stand a chance.

Not a single part of me can be considered attractive. It was like a toad trying to ask a swan to a date.

But she had this mysterious ability, whenever I see her, she takes my breath away and sends my heart racing. Whenever I see her hanging out with group of guys from another school, jealousy sprouts within my heart. I wonder if that was really love, as I never really got to know her better.

And I was right, she had rejected a long list of boys, and there are still a lot of guys trying to win her heart too. I knew I was crazy and reckless, but nevertheless, I made my move.

Finished crappin for today, to be continued. Thanks for reading.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

II. My Trust & My Tears

As I've said earlier, nothing lasts forever, that includes our relationship.

We've had good times for about a year, of course, small quarrels do appear from time to time, but we forgave each other and forget.

But things were gradually growing wrong between us. Perhaps I was the one at fault.
I was being selfish too I guess.

She is a Christian, and my family are Buddhists. Me? Well, I'm not really tied to any religion. At first I thought the difference in our beliefs and religion will not hinder our relationship, but as time passed, due to various reasons, I got kind of fed up with her beliefs, and got into some MAJOR quarrels with her.

Well, she was a good girl, and I was the bad guy, I admit. Perhaps it was because I couldn't understand her. So it all went wrong.

She was very active within her church communities and activities.
She sometimes spends a lot of her time involved in dancing or singing performances for her church.
(holidays, weekends, festives are usually devoted to church activities)
And me? Well, I practically rot in my home in boredom after school. I tend to send messages to her like usual, waiting for her reply.

I was being too attached to her I guess. She couldn't reply me as she was always busy. Even if she does reply, it was awfully short and it was like replying for the sake of replying. Occasionally I get weird replies from her church mates when they see my message. Which often irritates me. While she was always busy with her church work, we didn't have much chance to go out too. I was also pissed when she spends more time doing hip hop dance practices at her church with some other boys. I was jealous. I missed her so badly.

When all my feelings welled up and I couldn't take it anymore, I got into a big quarrel with her. I said terrible stuffs to her, some of the worst can be found below:

"If there's one day, your God and I fell into a river, one of us will drown if you don't save us, who will you choose?"

I was selfish, all I wanted is her to care more about me and spend more time with me. But at the same time, it was like tying her by me, not giving her any freedom.
Well, then she told me in the end:

"It looks like we are both from different worlds. You don't trust me and you don't respect my freedom."

After that quarrel, we broke up....... for a week.

I regretted, I tried to apologize to her. It wasn't easy for her to forgive what I have done. Nevertheless, we got back together, but things were never the same anymore.


Another guy approached her right after we broke up.
And she accepted him. I wasn't aware of that, and then she had relationships with both me and the other guy about a year.

It's not really her fault too, perhaps she thought I was really gone so she accepted the other guy. Perhaps she don't know what to do too, so she kept it a secret and hid him from me.

Eventually, I heard rumours about this "other guy" she's been dating. At first, I remembered that I should trust her. So I didn't really believe the rumours.

But I slowly discovered the truth, it was a painful process and again, it was filled with quarrels. I found out that her phone credit ran out faster than usual, and she once finished RM10 that I reloaded to her phone in two days. I started to notice something was odd. She said she spent it messaging the "other guy", and that he was "only a friend". I've also heard rumours of some college guy taking her out to dates.

Trust....she wanted that from me. And I tried to give her that. Hoping that guy is really just a friend.

But in the end, the secret still got out. Perhaps she felt guilty, or I was furious, I forgot. She admitted, she was indeed in love with two guys, and told me everything, and that she was sorry.

I was heartbroken. I couldn't accept her being in love with someone else too. I told her:

"Leave me alone. Think carefully and tell me at tonight. Who do you choose, me or him."

That night, she called my phone, in tears, she couldn't come to a decision.
I was in tears too. But those weren't tears of sorrow, those were the tears of disappointment.

I was disappointed in her indecisiveness.
I was disappointed in trusting her.
I was disappointed that she asked me to trust her, and yet she was dating happily with another guy.

In tears, I told her,

"Fine, I'm sorry but I couldn't tolerate these kind of relationship. If you can't make your decision, I'll make mine. Goodbye."

I've ignored her tears.
her cries,
her pleas,
her calls,
her messages,
her " I still love you".

I couldn't sleep that night.

For the next few months, when I got home, there will always be a usual SMS from her:

"I'm home =)"

As if nothing had happened. I ignored them.
After about a month, she didn't send any message to me anymore.
I guess she moved on and continued her relationship with that other guy.
And I never received much SMS since then. Those days were lonely.

Deep in my heart, she left a deep crack. Being blessed by love for 2 years, and it was suddenly taken away from me like this, its like everything has gone back to 0. Bearing a scar like this in my heart, I was back to my old self, I really don't know how to face girls or love again.

another quote of mine:

"A broken string can NEVER play the same tune anymore,
A broken heart can NEVER face love like the same anymore."

finished crappin for now, might update late due to exams =X thanks for reading this awfully long crap till the end.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

I. First Love

Her name is K. I had a crush on her for quite some time.

I added her to my MSN Messenger after digging up her email from Friendster.
It was a long long wait until the day she signed in though.

Whoa, those days, I was like a hungry wolf, and I immediately messaged her without any hesitation.


Before I could even say hi, my msn sent her an annoying auto message, my pc was infected by spyware I guess. (and i think the message had a link to adult sites too)

Oh my, what should I say to her, I don't want this to be ruined! Without thinking, i typed


She was like, "Huh? Thats random, lol. Thx 4 the warning"

Damn, that's totally out of my plans, what should I reply? Fortunately, she was friendly enough, and I'd say we had quite a nice chat. I even got her phone number that night, everything was surprisingly smooth.

We chatted all day using sms the next day, it was a Saturday, and I don't know what got to me that night. I barely started contacting her, but I confessed my feelings to her.

Surprisingly, I wasn't rejected, nor was I accepted. Well, she was quite shy at that point, and she told me that she needed some time to think it over.

Ahhh.... I was honestly glad with her answer. Although I was still waiting to be "certified" as her boyfriend, our relationship gotten a lot more closer after the confession.

Well, I still remember how we both went out to our first outing after our exams (organized by one of our mutual friend) at Little Genting Restaurant. She had a plate of chicken rice, and we shared a plate of french fries. Well, not much conversation there, both of us were very shy as it was our first meeting. Nevertheless, we had alot of fun and I had a few photo shots with her too.

Life was quite sweet from that point on, both of us were free from the stress of studies and our relationship improved over the year end holidays. We didn't have the chance to go out though. But having her chatting with me on the phone all the while, I wasn't lonely.

I still remember the sweet little things we did...
How I called her in the middle of the night where everyone is sound asleep,
how we were whispering over the phone,
how I sung with her over the phone....
( i recall spending RM30 over once for a call about 2 hours long, it was worth it though )

Time flies, and at some point, she accepted my feelings, and our feelings became mutual. I was blessed by her love. My live became blissful when I finally had someone that loved me back.

I still remember how we sat together in our tuition class,
how I was caught not paying attention, because I was looking at her,
how I was carrying bags of snacks into the classroom,
how we held (sweaty) hands under the table...
how I always ask her to send me photos because I miss her so much,
how I always called her using the school public phone because I wanted to hear her sweet voice...

Sigh... these were nothing more but memories in my heart now,
Everything that has a beginning has an end.
And it was fated that our relationship would not last.

Finished crappin for today, To be continued...

Monday, March 1, 2010


Since I was a 13, I had been studying in a school with a population of:

95% boys 5% girls... voila....
*the above is an approximate value only

Why? Well, the 5% girl population are all Sixth Formers (aka Pre-University students)
Kids like us are stuck with the not so good company population of boys.

Must be a sad way to grow up I guess.
Staying in such an environment, of course, will cause some problem to teenage boys like us,
some turn into sissies, and me, well, you can say that I'm kinda shy when it comes to girls.

Well, due to the absence of the opposite sex at school, guys from my school can only interact with the girls in tuition classes.
Well, not me though, being shy and all, all these years I had been ignoring girls and being ignored by girls.
Most of the guys are already started texting the girls or "hunting" for girlfriends via SMS or social networks such as "Friendster" ( old, yea i know)

What about me? Oh well, I remember I don't even have a cell those days.
And my internet connection was like 100bytes/sec. (1515, TM-Nut dial up connection).
Updating my Friendster page can take about 10 minutes per refresh =,=.
Perhaps I missed out so many things during my those days, I grew up more as a loner, and I really ended up having problems communicating with girls.

Finally, when I finally got a cell (Nokia 6681 second hand from ma dad) and my own number, I really grew up (and naughtier perhaps), and that marks the beginning of my love life.

Finished crappin.... to be continued....
"While you are inside enjoying your sweet warm moments with him,
look outside the window,
under the rain,
do you know that I'm crying?"

Basically... That's how I'm feeling these days. Seriously.
Well, I decided to write everything in this blog as a story about my life as a failure in love. There are no happy endings, only painful goodbyes and partings.