Tuesday, April 27, 2010

XII.Final Chapter: Strangers That Know Each Other Best

The start of a new term approaches.
We were sure that both of us will remain in our original class.
This means that we will be able to spend 1 whole year together in a same class.
It would be definitely good to get closer to her, and so I thought.

I recall one night,
we were chatting on SMS.
Talking about how we will work hard together next year.
How we will try and encourage and help each other to improve.
I was also affected by her determination and diligence,
I told myself, it will be a 1 year long battle alongside her.
I shouldn't shake her feelings more and be a distraction.
Thus, I told myself that I should be patient,
I was sure when the exams are over, we would be a lot more closer by then.
And when all is over, it would be appropriate by then,
to reveal my true feelings to her.

But this is neither a love story nor a fairy tale,
there isn't always happily ever after in the end.
Before the new school term even started,
I received news that she was starting to officially go out with him.
And news about their recent date was spreading around.

Dumbstruck, I did not know what to do.
Asking around my friends for answers,
They all confirmed the news were true.

I was about to lose the girl that I love.
I had no choice.
Abandoning all the thoughts and hopes I had,
Abandoning the fact that once I said this,
I would not be able to face her as a normal friend anymore.
I sent her words deep from my heart and a confession.
Clinging on a tiny strand of hope,
that perhaps she will reconsider and turn back.

I checked my phone every minute,
no new messages.
every hour,
still there were no new messages.
every day....
but still there were nothing from her.
Did she receive what I sent?
I do not know.
but if she did,
then obviously I'm really meaningless to her.

School reopened and our upper sixth life started.
We were like strangers in the class.
I tried to avoid looking at her in the eyes.
But deep down, my heart was in pain,
painfully waiting for an answer.

There were mornings where I saw both of them walking together at the car park,
There were times I saw both of them having lunch together.
In her eyes, I was invisible.
Isn't it obvious already?
Why am I still waiting for an answer?

After 3 months worth of waiting.
It all fell apart.
I was checking her blog and facebook every day.
And it all started like this.
Since she seldom goes online to her facebook,
so it is obviously rare for her to update her page,
and it would be really important for her to even bother making a change to her page.
That day, I noticed a change in the "Friends" corner at her facebook profile.
Well, I was there, but seems like my name disappeared from her "Featured Friend"
(You can choose some special friends tho show up at your profile's friend list)
I refreshed the page a few times.
No, I'm no longer there.
I know this is something minor and insignificant to you,
but it was significant for her to remove me!
So I really care and obviously I was hurt.

Heartbroken.
Thinking about how she made me wait for so long and this is what I got,
I started to bring myself to hate her.There was no longer anything more to say.
"Fine, if that's what you want."
I told myself. And thus:

The next day, there was a update at her blog.
Complaining about me.
How I was foolish to want to date her without even sharing her ups and downs of life.
How I never understood her.
How she was disappointed that we cannot remain as friends.
After reading what she wrote,
I replied at her chatbox.
Perhaps she did not want people to know what I wrote.
The next day, her post and the contents of the chatbox were all deleted.
I recall I wrote this,
"早已陪着他走过风和日丽的你,又怎会要我陪你度过你的风风雨雨。"
It means, "It is not that I don't want to share your ups and downs in life,
You were already somewhere good enjoying yourself with someone else."

We never talked or chat since.
I deleted her number from my phone.
I'm not sure if she deleted mine, but there wasn't a single message from her since my confession.
Well, there's one message on March though.
But it cost me a car accident to get that single message from her.

The following are unspoken words that I wish to say to her,
perhaps someday she'll be able to see it?

"I'm sorry it had to end like this.
I'm sorry we could no longer be friends.
I'm sorry I had to force myself to hate you.
I'm sorry because if I don't, I couldn't bring myself to stop loving you.
I'm sorry if what I wrote disgusts you,
But if they do,
Build up your hatred towards me,
Detest me until you don't wish to see me,
Or else,
I won't be able to give you up...
Even if we can no longer be friends,
I'm sure we are strangers that know each other best.
Goodbye."








THE END

Monday, April 19, 2010

XI. Ruined Outings

The gap between us remained throughout the months,
Perhaps it even worsened, I don’t know.
But what I know is,
Although there were a lot of times where I got a chance to go out with her,
I never got a chance to enjoy her company.
Why?
For some reason, SOMEONE always had to appear and tag along.
There has NEVER been one outing with her without HIM.
Was it a coincidence? I doubt it.
I’ll quote a few examples below.
One example was my birthday in 2009,
At first, SHE told me that SHE couldn’t attend.
And asked me to enjoy myself with the others.
OK, big deal. Disappointed, but the party went on.
We were in K-BOX again.
Halfway through the party, SHE came into the room.
Whoa, I was surprised but glad. Hold on… someone’s coming from behind….
Its HIM…. The smile on my face changed into a fake smile.
What’s more, SHE didn’t seem to enjoy herself and looked bored to me.
I picked a song that SHE once said SHE liked very much and sang.
Hoping that it will bring her mood up.
But what pisses me off the most is…
HE took the remote and pressed NEXT halfway through the song…..
I wonder if it was on purpose….
Then, SHE took a nap in there.
After staying about an hour, SHE left hurriedly with HIM.
I wonder where they went. Sucks.

The second example, it was a gathering at my house,
L6B2 BBQ event. Mind you, its L6B2.
But I wonder why SOMEONE who went to B1 would come and join.
Well, since HE asked, it would be rude of me to reject right?
But what’s weird is, HE already attended his own class’ (L6B1) BBQ gathering about a week ago.
And now HE wants to attend ours? There are 2 possibilities,
HE must be either a BBQ freak…
Or HE wants to keep both eyes on me during our class gathering.

The third example, the one that irritates me the most.
Well, I asked HER out to go mountain hiking.
She said she will ask some CLASSMATES to join.
I was looking forward to it.
Thinking perhaps it would be a good chance to spend some time with HER.
We promised to meet at 3pm.
But I don’t know why. One of my classmates sent me a text,
Saying that she’ll be late,
She said that she told HER to come meet me first so that I won’t be so bored.
For your information, SHE lives very near to that mountain,
It would only take bout 5 minutes to walk from HER home to here.
But I was a dumbass, I was standing by the road,
Looking at the rainclouds, looking at the passer-bys,
Looking at the monkeys, playing with the mimosa plants.
And after 1 stinking hour of EFFING boredom.
I saw HER and HIM coming in a car. Slowly, taking their own sweet time.
Whoa, so that’s why it took so long huh? Good job.

Last but not least, we came to the last example.
It was a Christmas gift exchange gathering.
HE wasn’t invited, but HE still showed up halfway through the party.
Saying Hi to all of us, as if it was fate that we were able to meet here on this Holy night.
There are so many dining spots in town,
And HE showed up here too? Coincidence? I really doubt it after so many occasions.
Anyway, the moment HE came, SHE left our table and went out of our dining room.
And SHE only came back a while to exchange the gifts, then SHE went out again.
To HER, it was not a Christmas gathering with HER classmates,
As she spent 90% of HER time that night with someone else.

Its USELESS even if I got a chance to have an outing with HER,
SOMEONE always show up and even though SHE’s right in front of me,
HER heart were always so far away with SOMEONE else.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

X. An Indirect Confession

With a heavy heart, school life continues.
Nobody knew that deep inside, I was hurt.
I couldn't bring myself to smile in class.
At times,
I would put on a fake smile when the teachers tell a joke.
I wouldn't talk to anyone, not after what they did to me.
Seeing her back right in front of me,
thinking that she belongs to someone else,
my mood was gloomy at school every day.
She was so near to me,
yet the distance between our hearts were so far apart.
Nobody understood my feelings.
As the laughter in the class continues,
As the class celebrate a new found pair of lovebirds,
As they talk aloud about them as if I couldn't hear,
Nobody knew that at the seat behind,
someone was bleeding.


It took her some time,
but she eventually noticed the change in me.
It was an afternoon on Facebook,
she sent me a message,
asking if there's anything wrong with me lately.

I didn't say a word, i simply gave her a link.
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=3267287&op=8&o=global&view=global&subj=718905946&id=718905946
After viewing, she understood.
And I told her about how jealous I was.
About how sad I was when I saw the comments written by my friends.


She felt awkward.
She said she did not know what to say.
She told me to ignore the comments.
And assured me that she was only normal friends with him.
Asking me to cheer up, she also hoped that I will return to my usual joker self.


Was she merely saying this to comfort me?
Was she lying to me?
I did not know.
I tried to do what she wants.
Having faith in her,
I tried hard to forget about the incident.
Although I was slowly returning to my old self,
I noticed things didn't feel the same in class anymore,
like I was left alone by everyone now,
and I do not know who to trust anymore.
I felt like our distance have became further since then.
As if she was starting to avoid me.

In the end, I failed to return to my old self.
I was a joker in the class, according to her.
But to tell the truth,
I have now lost my purpose to do so.

Dear XXX,
I was only a joker in the class,
because I was happy to be able to see a smile on your face for me.
But now,
its saddening and heartbreaking.
Because when I see you smile and know that it is not for me,
that is when I miss you the most.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

IX. I Got A Feeling, That Tonight's Gonna Be A Lonely Night

Time flies to around October...
With our graduation night approaching, we were busy practicing for our performance.
Thanks to the director, I got a chance to be in a duet with her.
I'm a happy man inside, but I really get unnatural or nervous with her beside me.
Well, maybe she's frustrated somehow.
But I recall a happy memory back then. She grabbed my arm and said,
"Come! Look in front, don't be shy la."
>_< wheeee....

My friends keep on asking me to hold her hand in the performance,
I know its a good idea for the show, and I would be the biggest idiot in the world waste this chance, but I really couldn't do it.
My palms are always sweaty... Damn, I really don't think holding hands with her will be a good idea. Sighs. (To the director, I hope now u understand why I keep on refusing to do so.)

Perhaps I was a fool to be happy over these trivial things,
"ITS JUST AN ACT, ITS JUST A PERFORMANCE, THOSE FEELINGS ARE NOT REAL!"
says the inner me.
Yeah, perhaps its true.
Because in my memories, those days I spent with her were now nothing but a fleeting dream. Perhaps a dream that I will never want to wake up from.

We practiced hard and finally the day of the show came.
She was one of the emcee for the graduation night.
(And she was so so so pretty >.<)
Our show went quite well although she made some small mistakes,
our performance managed to win the third place.

But she was busy that night.
I don't think she noticed me after the performance at all.
She was taking photos non-stop, one person after another.
I didn't have a chance to have a photo with her. Totally ignored.
I ordered some roses to be delivered to her that night.
But she never received it. I wonder why.

Seeing couples lovey-dovey taking photos and cuddling each other,
my emo-ness raised to the max.
I went home early that night, couldn't bear to stay any longer.
I felt like I don't belong, as if everyone were high class after putting on make up and dressed up that night,
I felt like someone like me do not belong among these cool people and so I was ignored.

That was my first time attending such an event, and I think it would be my last too.

The next day, after I woke up, I checked last night's photos at facebook.

view on facebook here

Staring at this photo. I heard something cracking somewhere near my chest.
I tried to ignore it, and I read the comments below,
every comment was like a knife stabbing into my heart.
Even my close friends, those that once told me to be brave, those that once cheered me on,
they were now in the "like this photo" list,
they were now congratulating him,
they were now celebrating this newborn couple.
After getting my heart minced over and over,
I pulled out the plug of my computer and went back to my room,
locking the door behind me as I enter.

Sorrow, betrayal, loneliness. That's all I have in my mind.

And you won't want to know what I was doing on my bed.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

VIII. Fool on a Trip

Having being told something like that, I decided that it would be best to keep a low profile and not to get too close, I was afraid of losing a friend. Yes, we were good friends back then.

After about a month in my class, HE was invited to join a better class. At first, he seemed uncertain whether to go or not, as it would mean being in separate classes with the girl he loves.

Even though he was my rival in love, I asked him to stay. Because it was fun being in the same class with him. But in the end, he chose to go to L6B1, a class for students with higher standards. Leaving her behind.

Perhaps he thought they will meet together in U6B1 next year? Back then, her results weren't that good. She was really hardworking, but maybe form 6 is just too hard for us. I decided that I want to be with the same class with her next year, I want to work hard by her side during my upper six year.

Or perhaps, I need her company during my long upper six year.

So, I didn't put much effort into my studies. Thinking that I have to maintain my ranking near to her so that we'll be sorted into same classes next year. Having that excuse in mind, I took all my revision for granted,and yea, I got the worst marks I have in my life. I was a fool to do so.

Well, soon, the holidays came, we had a class trip to Cameron Highlands. There were some nice memories there. But now I just wanna forget them all. For instance, my classmates asked me to have a photo shoot with her. Gah, and she played along, I was happy and shy at the same time, there's a ridiculous expression on my face in the photo. Yea, I know its no big deal, its just a photo shoot, but it was good enough for a failure in love like me. *sigh* (i even got my friend to send the photo to me secretly later >.<) The next morning, I decided to do something for her, as my gratitude for making me happy. (and a sleepless night) I know she likes Vitagen, green apple flavour. When my friends were having breakfast, I broke off and went to a convenience store and bought 2 bars of the juice. I swear stuff are expensive at Cameron, I was near broke so I headed back to the bus and wait. I skipped lunch and breakfast that day. I didn't personally give those juices to her in the bus though, I didn't want to cause too much attention, and I was shy, as always. And the trip ended without anything special after that.

Some time later, L6B1 had their class trip too. After they came back, I checked their trip photos on facebook. And I was shocked to discover that rumours are now going on between HIM and another girl. And he didn't say anything to deny it.

I thought perhaps he found a new crush in his new class?
Perhaps now I can make a move without hurting anyone?
Perhaps now she would give me a chance?