Tuesday, April 27, 2010

XII.Final Chapter: Strangers That Know Each Other Best

The start of a new term approaches.
We were sure that both of us will remain in our original class.
This means that we will be able to spend 1 whole year together in a same class.
It would be definitely good to get closer to her, and so I thought.

I recall one night,
we were chatting on SMS.
Talking about how we will work hard together next year.
How we will try and encourage and help each other to improve.
I was also affected by her determination and diligence,
I told myself, it will be a 1 year long battle alongside her.
I shouldn't shake her feelings more and be a distraction.
Thus, I told myself that I should be patient,
I was sure when the exams are over, we would be a lot more closer by then.
And when all is over, it would be appropriate by then,
to reveal my true feelings to her.

But this is neither a love story nor a fairy tale,
there isn't always happily ever after in the end.
Before the new school term even started,
I received news that she was starting to officially go out with him.
And news about their recent date was spreading around.

Dumbstruck, I did not know what to do.
Asking around my friends for answers,
They all confirmed the news were true.

I was about to lose the girl that I love.
I had no choice.
Abandoning all the thoughts and hopes I had,
Abandoning the fact that once I said this,
I would not be able to face her as a normal friend anymore.
I sent her words deep from my heart and a confession.
Clinging on a tiny strand of hope,
that perhaps she will reconsider and turn back.

I checked my phone every minute,
no new messages.
every hour,
still there were no new messages.
every day....
but still there were nothing from her.
Did she receive what I sent?
I do not know.
but if she did,
then obviously I'm really meaningless to her.

School reopened and our upper sixth life started.
We were like strangers in the class.
I tried to avoid looking at her in the eyes.
But deep down, my heart was in pain,
painfully waiting for an answer.

There were mornings where I saw both of them walking together at the car park,
There were times I saw both of them having lunch together.
In her eyes, I was invisible.
Isn't it obvious already?
Why am I still waiting for an answer?

After 3 months worth of waiting.
It all fell apart.
I was checking her blog and facebook every day.
And it all started like this.
Since she seldom goes online to her facebook,
so it is obviously rare for her to update her page,
and it would be really important for her to even bother making a change to her page.
That day, I noticed a change in the "Friends" corner at her facebook profile.
Well, I was there, but seems like my name disappeared from her "Featured Friend"
(You can choose some special friends tho show up at your profile's friend list)
I refreshed the page a few times.
No, I'm no longer there.
I know this is something minor and insignificant to you,
but it was significant for her to remove me!
So I really care and obviously I was hurt.

Heartbroken.
Thinking about how she made me wait for so long and this is what I got,
I started to bring myself to hate her.There was no longer anything more to say.
"Fine, if that's what you want."
I told myself. And thus:

The next day, there was a update at her blog.
Complaining about me.
How I was foolish to want to date her without even sharing her ups and downs of life.
How I never understood her.
How she was disappointed that we cannot remain as friends.
After reading what she wrote,
I replied at her chatbox.
Perhaps she did not want people to know what I wrote.
The next day, her post and the contents of the chatbox were all deleted.
I recall I wrote this,
"早已陪着他走过风和日丽的你,又怎会要我陪你度过你的风风雨雨。"
It means, "It is not that I don't want to share your ups and downs in life,
You were already somewhere good enjoying yourself with someone else."

We never talked or chat since.
I deleted her number from my phone.
I'm not sure if she deleted mine, but there wasn't a single message from her since my confession.
Well, there's one message on March though.
But it cost me a car accident to get that single message from her.

The following are unspoken words that I wish to say to her,
perhaps someday she'll be able to see it?

"I'm sorry it had to end like this.
I'm sorry we could no longer be friends.
I'm sorry I had to force myself to hate you.
I'm sorry because if I don't, I couldn't bring myself to stop loving you.
I'm sorry if what I wrote disgusts you,
But if they do,
Build up your hatred towards me,
Detest me until you don't wish to see me,
Or else,
I won't be able to give you up...
Even if we can no longer be friends,
I'm sure we are strangers that know each other best.
Goodbye."








THE END

2 comments:

  1. Maybe you should love yourself more instead. Hate is a strong word. And it's a sharp double-edged knife that cuts both sides. =) Cheers!

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  2. trying to make myself happy now... but i think it needs time... thanks for reading till the end ^^

    ReplyDelete