II. My Trust & My Tears

As I've said earlier, nothing lasts forever, that includes our relationship.

We've had good times for about a year, of course, small quarrels do appear from time to time, but we forgave each other and forget.

But things were gradually growing wrong between us. Perhaps I was the one at fault.
I was being selfish too I guess.

She is a Christian, and my family are Buddhists. Me? Well, I'm not really tied to any religion. At first I thought the difference in our beliefs and religion will not hinder our relationship, but as time passed, due to various reasons, I got kind of fed up with her beliefs, and got into some MAJOR quarrels with her.


Well, she was a good girl, and I was the bad guy, I admit. Perhaps it was because I couldn't understand her. So it all went wrong.

She was very active within her church communities and activities.
She sometimes spends a lot of her time involved in dancing or singing performances for her church.
(holidays, weekends, festives are usually devoted to church activities)
And me? Well, I practically rot in my home in boredom after school. I tend to send messages to her like usual, waiting for her reply.

I was being too attached to her I guess. She couldn't reply me as she was always busy. Even if she does reply, it was awfully short and it was like replying for the sake of replying. Occasionally I get weird replies from her church mates when they see my message. Which often irritates me. While she was always busy with her church work, we didn't have much chance to go out too. I was also pissed when she spends more time doing hip hop dance practices at her church with some other boys. I was jealous. I missed her so badly.

When all my feelings welled up and I couldn't take it anymore, I got into a big quarrel with her. I said terrible stuffs to her, some of the worst can be found below:

"If there's one day, your God and I fell into a river, one of us will drown if you don't save us, who will you choose?"

I was selfish, all I wanted is her to care more about me and spend more time with me. But at the same time, it was like tying her by me, not giving her any freedom.
Well, then she told me in the end:

"It looks like we are both from different worlds. You don't trust me and you don't respect my freedom."


After that quarrel, we broke up....... for a week.

I regretted, I tried to apologize to her. It wasn't easy for her to forgive what I have done. Nevertheless, we got back together, but things were never the same anymore.


Why?


Another guy approached her right after we broke up.
And she accepted him. I wasn't aware of that, and then she had relationships with both me and the other guy about a year.

It's not really her fault too, perhaps she thought I was really gone so she accepted the other guy. Perhaps she don't know what to do too, so she kept it a secret and hid him from me.

Eventually, I heard rumours about this "other guy" she's been dating. At first, I remembered that I should trust her. So I didn't really believe the rumours.

But I slowly discovered the truth, it was a painful process and again, it was filled with quarrels. I found out that her phone credit ran out faster than usual, and she once finished RM10 that I reloaded to her phone in two days. I started to notice something was odd. She said she spent it messaging the "other guy", and that he was "only a friend". I've also heard rumours of some college guy taking her out to dates.

Trust....she wanted that from me. And I tried to give her that. Hoping that guy is really just a friend.

But in the end, the secret still got out. Perhaps she felt guilty, or I was furious, I forgot. She admitted, she was indeed in love with two guys, and told me everything, and that she was sorry.

I was heartbroken. I couldn't accept her being in love with someone else too. I told her:

"Leave me alone. Think carefully and tell me at tonight. Who do you choose, me or him."

That night, she called my phone, in tears, she couldn't come to a decision.
I was in tears too. But those weren't tears of sorrow, those were the tears of disappointment.

I was disappointed in her indecisiveness.
I was disappointed in trusting her.
I was disappointed that she asked me to trust her, and yet she was dating happily with another guy.

In tears, I told her,

"Fine, I'm sorry but I couldn't tolerate these kind of relationship. If you can't make your decision, I'll make mine. Goodbye."


I've ignored her tears.
her cries,
her pleas,
her calls,
her messages,
her " I still love you".


I couldn't sleep that night.


For the next few months, when I got home, there will always be a usual SMS from her:

"I'm home =)"

As if nothing had happened. I ignored them.
After about a month, she didn't send any message to me anymore.
I guess she moved on and continued her relationship with that other guy.
And I never received much SMS since then. Those days were lonely.

Deep in my heart, she left a deep crack. Being blessed by love for 2 years, and it was suddenly taken away from me like this, its like everything has gone back to 0. Bearing a scar like this in my heart, I was back to my old self, I really don't know how to face girls or love again.




another quote of mine:

"A broken string can NEVER play the same tune anymore,
A broken heart can NEVER face love like the same anymore."








finished crappin for now, might update late due to exams =X thanks for reading this awfully long crap till the end.