X. An Indirect Confession

With a heavy heart, school life continues.
Nobody knew that deep inside, I was hurt.
I couldn't bring myself to smile in class.
At times,
I would put on a fake smile when the teachers tell a joke.
I wouldn't talk to anyone, not after what they did to me.
Seeing her back right in front of me,
thinking that she belongs to someone else,
my mood was gloomy at school every day.
She was so near to me,
yet the distance between our hearts were so far apart.
Nobody understood my feelings.
As the laughter in the class continues,
As the class celebrate a new found pair of lovebirds,
As they talk aloud about them as if I couldn't hear,
Nobody knew that at the seat behind,
someone was bleeding.


It took her some time,
but she eventually noticed the change in me.
It was an afternoon on Facebook,
she sent me a message,
asking if there's anything wrong with me lately.

I didn't say a word, i simply gave her a link.
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=3267287&op=8&o=global&view=global&subj=718905946&id=718905946
After viewing, she understood.
And I told her about how jealous I was.
About how sad I was when I saw the comments written by my friends.


She felt awkward.
She said she did not know what to say.
She told me to ignore the comments.
And assured me that she was only normal friends with him.
Asking me to cheer up, she also hoped that I will return to my usual joker self.


Was she merely saying this to comfort me?
Was she lying to me?
I did not know.
I tried to do what she wants.
Having faith in her,
I tried hard to forget about the incident.
Although I was slowly returning to my old self,
I noticed things didn't feel the same in class anymore,
like I was left alone by everyone now,
and I do not know who to trust anymore.
I felt like our distance have became further since then.
As if she was starting to avoid me.

In the end, I failed to return to my old self.
I was a joker in the class, according to her.
But to tell the truth,
I have now lost my purpose to do so.

Dear XXX,
I was only a joker in the class,
because I was happy to be able to see a smile on your face for me.
But now,
its saddening and heartbreaking.
Because when I see you smile and know that it is not for me,
that is when I miss you the most.